Generally speaking, if you’re having sex less than once a month, you’re in a sexless marriage.
Living in a sexless marriage can be lonely, frustrating, and depressing. But don’t lose hope. There are ways to cope and even rekindle that missing intimacy
Sex may permeate our popular culture, but conversations about it are still associated with stigma and shame in Indian households. As a result, most individuals dealing with sexual health issues or trying to find information about sex often resort to unverified online sources or follow the unscientific advice of their friends. To address the widespread misinformation about sex, News18.com is running this weekly sex column, titled ‘Let’s Talk Sex’. We hope to initiate conversations about sex through this column and address sexual health issues with scientific insight and nuance.
In this article, we will share five practical tips to help you survive and even thrive when the flames of desire burn low.
You thought those days of burning passion would never end. But somewhere along the line, the bedroom went cold. Maybe you still love each other deeply but that sexual spark has faded. Or perhaps resentments have built up over the years, leaving you feeling distant and disconnected. Whatever the case, living in a sexless marriage can be lonely, frustrating, and depressing. But don’t lose hope. There are ways to cope and even rekindle that missing intimacy.
What Qualifies as a Sexless Marriage?
Generally speaking, if you’re having sex less than once a month, you’re in a sexless marriage. While the definition varies, most experts consider 10 times a year or less to qualify. This can be tough for many couples, as sex is an important part of intimacy and bonding.
Common Causes
There are a few common reasons couples end up in sexless marriages:
- Stress and exhaustion: Between work, kids, health issues, and other life stresses, sex can fall to the bottom of the priority list. Making time to connect and unwind is key.
- Relationship issues: Lack of emotional intimacy, unresolved resentment or anger, lack of attraction, etc. Addressing communication and relationship roadblocks is important.
- Low libido: Hormonal changes, medications, health conditions, and ageing can all contribute to a decreased sex drive in one or both partners. Speaking to a doctor may help determine if there are any medical issues impacting your libido.
- Lack of intimacy: Without regular emotional and physical intimacy, sexual desire may start to wane. Make spending quality time together a priority and engage in regular affectionate touch like kissing, hugging, and cuddling.
The Emotional Impact of a Sexless Marriage on Both Partners
A sexless marriage can be an emotionally painful experience for both partners. For a partner with a lower libido, the pressure to be intimate when you’re not in the mood can lead to feelings of guilt, anxiety, and resentment. Not feeling desired by your spouse can also damage self-esteem over time.
For the partner with a higher libido, constant rejection and unmet needs often result in frustration, hurt, and anger. You may feel unattractive or unloved, even though you know rationally that isn’t the case. Over time, resentment may build as physical intimacy becomes a source of conflict rather than connection.
Lack of sex also deprives couples of oxytocin, the “love hormone” released during orgasm that strengthens feelings of closeness and bonding. Without this, partners may start to feel more like roommates than lovers and the emotional distance between them grows.
Tips for Reigniting Intimacy in Your Relationship
The good news is, there are many steps you can take to improve intimacy and reignite the spark in your sexless marriage. Open communication, relationship counselling, medical interventions, and making sex a priority again can all help turn things around for the better.
- Talk Openly About Your Needs: The first step is starting an honest conversation with your partner about what you both want in your sex life and relationship. Be open about your desires, fantasies, and what you feel is missing. Compromise and find common ground. Make intimacy a priority again.
- Flirt Like You Used to: Do you remember when you first started dating? There was excitement, playfulness, and flirtation. Start flirting with your partner again—compliment them, touch them affectionately, make eye contact, smile. Flirting releases feel-good hormones that boost attraction and desire.
- Try New Things Together: Routines can make the bedroom feel dull. Shake things up by trying new activities together like dancing, rock climbing, or cooking. New experiences release dopamine in the brain, activating the reward centre. This naturally boosts your libido and reignites passion. You can also try roleplaying or new sex positions to spice up your intimacy.
- Make Time for Intimacy: Don’t let life get in the way of your sex life. Make the time and space for intimacy a priority. Have a date night, light some candles, and give each other massages with scented oil. Rediscover intimacy through sensual touch and bonding. Turn off technology and be fully present with each other.
- Seek Counselling If Needed: If you’ve truly lost connection and intimacy, consider relationship counselling or sex therapy. A counsellor can help determine the issues, provide coping strategies, and find paths to rekindle your emotional and physical intimacy. They can also suggest exercises to increase communication, touch, and playfulness. With work, professional guidance can help rebuild intimacy.
Reigniting your intimacy and connection may take time and effort but by opening up, exploring together, and making it a priority, you can find your way back to a fulfilling sex life and relationship. With patience and persistence, you can survive a cold bedroom.
So, there you have it, 5 practical ways to cope when the passion fizzles out in your marriage. While a sexless relationship can feel lonely and discouraging, remember that you still have a companion by your side. Focus on rebuilding intimacy through honest communication, new shared experiences, and finding fulfilment outside the bedroom. If your needs still aren’t being met, seek professional help to get to the root of the problem. Your intimate connection may ebb and flow over the years, but your love and commitment can remain constant. With a little understanding, effort, and creativity, you can turn this around and rediscover the passion you once shared.
